BLESSING

Full-Prize_Merry_GardensBLESSING

The nature of blessing is evasive sometimes, blessing in disguise as people so often say.  At other times, blessing shows itself overtly in extravagant ways.  Many of you are probably running about today, trying your best to do and fix and “make things like they used to be.”  I sympathize with you and your efforts: for your attempts at hiding winces of pain; your choice to silently absorb your agony instead of utter it, out of love for those near you; for your maturity in listening to others’ complaints, as you feel they pale in comparison; for walking with and through your pain and suffering; for staying here with us for one more day.  Life is not like it used to be, not for me either – not at all.

Still I implore you, this Christmas try with me – alongside me – to revel in your blessing and in the blessings that are surely somehow buried in the turn life has taken for you, for all of us, families who share this tragedy.

For example, I am for the first time EVER, sitting alone in an entirely empty house at 2:00 on Christmas Eve.  That has never happened in 38 years.  I could say I’m lonely, but then I look around at this extravagantly overt blessing – the use of a friend’s vacation home in Colorado.  I recall how bone weary I’ve been for months and months now, daily longing for solitude and a clear head.  This blessing almost escaped me, would have escaped me, if not for you all and my changed circumstance and my changed family.

I see Brooklyn in the chair opposite me, my slimmed-down Yorkie who is now svelte enough to travel by plane again, her hair long, displaying a tiny red bow that I learned to make, thanks to a new friend I met through this mesh mess.  This little creature’s quiet trust and peaceful snoring make me laugh and grin ear-to-ear.  Sometimes I like to think of her as more of a Muppet or something Jim Henson or Dr. Suess would have invented.  She snorts and winks and hobbles with her tiny little bowlegs.

Brooky donning her Santa Hat!

Brooky donning her Santa Hat!

I am staring out at a sea of huge pine trees, caked with snow that looks like frosting, and I marvel at God’s mystery and majesty and find myself grateful for the truths He does not reveal to me, has not yet, or maybe never will.

This is a REAL picture!

This is a REAL picture!

I remember with a grateful heart those who have served me over the last six months, as I have tried my best to serve you all and my mother.  Financial blessing when I did not think it would come; a Dad who asks if I would like a piece of his homemade banana bread or a fire built or both; a friend who, though she still grieves the loss of her husband, has made the word friendship take on a richer meaning than ever before; a Godmother who thought she was in-the-clear when I became an adult, but who now happily and often serves as surrogate when my own mother is simply too tortured to speak; a husband who freely gives his heart to me while mine is consumed with you; a friend who cleaned my bathroom when I could do nothing more than cry and try to stand up; a friend who solidified a new truth in me by giving me a wood-carved, “Angel of Listening” as a gift, when I’ve been told all my life that I talk too much and listen too little.  What a gift to have been transformed into a good listener!  Most folks who know me would have bet their homes that would never have happened.  But it did.

The Angel of Listening

The Angel of Listening

I try to count the new friends I have made in six months, and it requires both hands and both feet and then some.  I NEVER would have met these amazing women – YOU ALL- if not for this mesh that attacked every corner of all our lives, as an uninvited and unwanted guest who will not seem to leave.  I am grateful for your friendship, teaching and strength.

Most of all, I count the blessing that my mother is still here, still fighting, and I know she fights for my sister and me.  That is a hard gift to accept.  But GRACE, being given something that you did not earn and do not deserve, often is hard to accept.  It’s too good to be true, right?  So I spend my life learning about the Heavenly Father who designed each of our lives, so I can learn how to accept His grace more and more as he purifies me through fire and with iron.  Still, I am grateful.  Fire keeps me warm, even as it burns off the unnecessary in my soul, very painfully at times.  Iron gives me a solid foundation from which to do good, even as it is a cold, hard and heavy burden to carry.

Mesh Angels & Warriors

Mesh Angels & Warriors

YOU are my community.  PLEASE, in the comments below, count one or as many blessings as you wish so that we can share in gratitude together for the blessings that seem buried.  Time to unearth them today and tomorrow. 

In my heart of hearts, I feel 2014 will be a year of blessing, peace, healing and hope for you all, for my mom and for me.  That is my prayer every day and will continue to be.  MERRY CHRISTMAS to you all.

 

Fill in the blank:  I AM BLESSED/GRATEFUL for ________________________________________.

Love,

Your Mesh Warrior

15 responses

  1. Barb, you are a blessing…I’m so glad I found you and your site! For so long I thought all of these symptoms were in my mind, now I “know” they are for real in my body! Also, I too thoroughly enjoy the Willow collection and have the same little angel! I look forward to one day having the money to go to UCLA!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Aaron~I am so blessed to have met you this year. After only knowing you 3 months you graciously volunteered your time to go with me to UCLA in Oct. to be with me and care for me as I had my mesh explant surgery. I am still in awe of your unselfishness and willingness to give of yourself and time. I will forever be grateful to you for your friendship and your never ending caring and compassion that you have for me and all of the other mesh injured women. You are my angel! I am also blessed and touched by so many that gave to my fund raiser to help get me to UCLA. My heart is still overwhelmed by the many caring people that showed their love for me. Many who gave didn’t even know me yet gave anyway because they believe in the cause. Your post is so touching, I felt I was sitting right there with you as you spoke the words. I have been blessed to be able to stay with my daughter Leann and her family while recovering from surgery. It was a joy to be surrounded by family especially my two youngest grand kids. They kept me laughing the whole time. I’m scheduled for a second surgery next year and I know God will see me through once again. Thank you again for fighting for us. Much love~

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I recently found an urogynocologist to take out the mesh I had for a prolapse and incontinengence. The mesh eroded through, not only the vaginal area but my bladder. The first surgery to remove as much as possible went well, but mesh had embedded in an artery,I lost a pint of blood, but went home the next day. The second surgery to fix the prolapse that happen once we removed what we could, she used my own body material and placed a natural bladder sling. Surgery seemed ok, I went home started bleeding a lot and was very dizzy. Ambulance came, I spent almost 5 hours being stabilized with donated blood (total amount was 7 pints). Took to my hospital were my doc did emergency surgery, didn’t stop it, next day I was sent to radiology to put a glue like substance in my pelvic arteries, that worked. Spent 5 days in the hospital and 1in ICU. I’ve never felt pain like this. Please please do your research. I would hate to have anyone go through this. The original doc talked about patching it and told me that the mesh he used was not one of the ones with the lawsuits.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am grateful for another year, for my sons and a sister who loves me and helps me so very much. I am grateful that my Lord is with me and blesses me everyday even when I don’t feel it or see it.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Merry Christmas Aaron! Lovely article! Thank you. I think you understand and articulate life with mesh better than anyone My blessings are my precious daughter, Anji and my husband Kevin. We wouldnt be having a Christmas celebration this year without their incredible efforts to prepare the house, shop, wrap and cook. I simply could not do it. Too much pain. What an unspeakable blessing to have their help. When you are used to be the one who makes it happen it tears your heart out to realize you are too broken, too weak to pull it off. I have cried many tears feeling like I have let everyone down. What a blessing to have a daughter and husband who stepped in and took over.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That is exactly why I wrote the article. The same is true for me, but my mom and for me too, so our other family members are picking up the slack, and I’m so grateful they are doing it with such love. Many more blessings to you beautiful lady!

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  6. Thank you for your words they always touch my heart. I have many reasons to not be grateful or not find blessings. I find it hard to find things I am thankful for or blessed in. The only 2 that ever come to my mind is my husband for always being here. For taking on the role of father, mother, wife and husband, caregiver, therapist, doctor at times (if you only knew what we have had to do) and my son for being protective and understanding and loving and caring. I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and hopefully with as least of as pain as you can.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Love to you Mesh Tears. I know how hard it can be to see the good when it’s buried under so much suffering. I admire you for digging in the dirt and finding the jewels. It certainly sounds like you have a very loving family. Merry Christmas to you all.

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  7. Thank you, Aaron, for your beautifully written Blessing Post. I am so grateful to have had my mesh totally removed in March 2013 by Dr. Raz. I have wound up with 4 repair surgeries this year since the mesh was removed and am scheduled to have at least more surgery in 2014. I am blessed to be able to have these repairs. I am also deeply grateful for Dr. Veronikis, who in November wisely reversed a surgery that had been done by another surgeon in September giving me my life back. Dr. Veronikis also arranged for another General Surgeon, Dr. Altepeter, to repair bilaterial hernias which resulted from my mesh removal. Dr. Veronikis will do my repair surgery in 2014 as well. I am very grateful for my husband, children and friends along with the fellow mesh Angels and warriors who truly understand the plight we have had to endure. Lastly, I am thankful for my faith in Christ who has guided me and held me when I did not think I could go on during the 10 years I had mesh. Merry Christmas and I join you in praying for a New Year filled with more mesh removals, necessary repairs restoring the injured to become the very best we can now become.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nancy – thank you for your reply! I’m so filled with joy when I hear from Mesh Angels, because it blesses me to know that I am reaching those who are injured and who can also reach more of the injured and bring them out of the loneliness of this injury or thinking there is no one like them. Thank you for posting and for your commitment to fight alongside me. I am honored to know you.

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